Both Sides Now

I do not often suffer from loneliness. In fact, I'm sure sometimes my friends must think I'm bloody unsociable, I'd rather stay in wrapped up in my pink fluffy dressing gown, rather than down the pub, necking back the pints. I usually look forward to Boy's weekend away, it gives both of us a break, some breathing space and when he returns we have lots of hugs and news to share. I can hole up happily on a weekend, enjoy my duvet, do nothing for a whole weekend.

It was different this weekend. Boy had gone off to his dad's, my Viking was busy saving the world oop North and I had Easter Sunday all to myself. I didn't really want to go home Saturday evening after I finished at work, I'm sure part of that was yet another damp, cold walk home. The cat did her best to try to cheer me up, but only succeeded in irritating me. Sunday was no better really. I was busy enough, did laundry, pottered around cleaning and tidying. I was determined not to sulk, but the more determined I was, the more I did.

Then I realised what was wrong. My Self-Pity Gnome wanted to come and play.

Actually, the Self-Pity Gnome had been hanging around for some time now and as much as I've been trying to ignore it, it's been determined to have my attention. I suppose going to one of my Ex's wedding sparked things off. He and his bride looked so happy and I was so pleased for both of them. I like celebrating good things and marriage is a milestone that definitely needs to be celebrated properly. It was a real pleasure to see the couple together, I do wish them all the best.

My Self-Pity Gnome isn't at all about them and I really find it difficult to put my finger on it. I suppose I'm grieving for a time in my life when I still thought I was invincible. A time when I thought there was nothing I couldn't achieve. When certainty was a part of my language. Then life happened. I realise I've lost that faith in the future as far as relationships are concerned. It won't ever be me again. And I wish, so much it hurts, it could be me. But it won't be.

I'm too set in my ways, too wary.I don't want any more children. I don't want to play Happy Homemaker. My goal is to find a path that will enable me to find employment which pays the bills and is interesting at the very least. I've been far too reliant in the past, it's time to be properly independent. I'm trying to focus on the things I have on a day-to-day basis. I am healthier, happier and more capable than I've been in a long, long time; if ever. There are many good things about my life which I do not take for granted. I suppose I just can't help but mourn the loss of that more innocent me.

I have healthier relationships these days.

Even if it does mean I spend time dancing at ex-boyfriend's weddings.